The decision to get a divorce when you have children is incredibly hard, but many parents make the choice knowing it is better in the long term for their entire family. Unfortunately, there are still short-term difficulties to manage, and one of those is informing your children of your decision. Working with a Bloomington, IL, divorce attorney can help you ease the process of a divorce for your entire family.
Divorce is not easy on kids and can be complex and frustrating for them. How parents approach informing their children can make a big difference in how kids receive and respond to the news. There are some things to consider when planning to talk to your kids about divorce which can help them better understand and cope with it, including:
Tell Your Children Together
If you are able to, parents should tell children about the divorce as one unit. This can help children see that it is a decision parents are making together, even when that isn’t true, and can help children come to terms with the divorce. Even if parents cannot tell their children together, a parent should never tell their children about the divorce before they tell their spouse.
Don’t Put Off the Discussion
When you and/or your spouse have decided to get a divorce, you should not put off telling children. It’s necessary to give them as much time to process the news as possible. While you may have had months or longer to begin the process of dealing with a divorce, your children have not.
If you avoid telling your children, they will also likely sense that things are different but will not know why. This can cause more frustration and confusion. It may also lead to them hearing about the divorce from someone other than their parents.
Keep Negative Emotions Controlled
A divorce is an emotional time, but many of these emotions should not be part of your discussion with your children. Parents should not blame each other or talk badly about each other, whether they give children the news together or separately. Stick to the facts of the divorce.
Explain How the Divorce May Affect Routines
It’s important to also inform children of how their lives will primarily be affected by the divorce, including during proceedings and after. Tell them what will change during these times, what their daily routines may look like, and inform them of what will not change. This can give children some certainty and stability.
Provide Reassurance
Common advice is to ensure children know that the divorce is not their fault, and this is important. You also want to ensure that children know that both their parents love them and are there for them during the divorce. Be sure that they know that they are not responsible for their parent’s care during the divorce.
Create a Support System for Your Children
It’s very helpful for children to have a multifaceted support system during and after a divorce. This includes their parents, other family members, and friends. Encourage them to connect with people in their life. You can also introduce them to support groups for kids of divorce or other children whose parents have divorced. Professional help from a therapist or other mental health provider can also help.
Focus on a Plan for the Future
A divorce signals a change for your family, but your family will still continue into a new phase with slightly different family units. Telling children about the immediate and long-term future can help them process the divorce.
Answer Any Questions
After telling your children basic information about the divorce, encourage their questions. Answer their questions as truthfully and age-appropriately as you can. If you don’t know, tell your children so, or if it is inappropriate to answer, tell them that you and your spouse will be handling it. Let children know that they can ask you or their other parent if they have other questions.
Give Children Time to Grieve
Remember that you have had time to consider and process the divorce, and your children likely have not. Be aware that you need to give them time to work through their emotions and their responses. Encourage healthy coping mechanisms and expression regarding their thoughts, and be patient with them.
FAQs
Q: At What Age Is a Child Most Affected by Divorce?
A: Divorce affects children of all ages and will affect them differently. Younger children may be less likely to remember their family prior to divorce, which can make it easier, while older kids can have the emotional understanding and management to deal with their own reactions to it. Elementary school-aged kids may have a harder time, as they know their lives are changing but may not be aware of how it is affecting them.
Q: How Does Divorce Work in Illinois With a Child?
A: When you get divorced in Illinois with a child, then part of the divorce case will include deciding on child custody and support. Both parents have the right and responsibility to care for their child and provide financial support.
In separation, support and custody determinations ensure both parents spend some time with their children and both provide equal financial support. Only if a parent is considered unfit may the court restrict their parental rights. All of the court’s decisions about children are based on the child’s interests.
Q: At What Age Will a Judge Listen to a Child in Illinois?
A: There is no specific age in Illinois that a judge will listen to a child’s wishes for custody, and a judge will instead consider a child’s wishes coupled with their maturity and reasoned choices, independent from their parents.
However, this is only one factor of many that the court considers when determining a child’s interests. The court will also consider the child’s needs, the parents’ wishes, and other factors. If the child’s wishes are not in their interests, the court is not required to listen.
Q: At What Age Can a Child Refuse to See a Parent in Illinois?
A: Children can only refuse to see a parent in Illinois when they are no longer legally a child, such as becoming emancipated or being 18. Before then, their wishes are only one of many considerations in determining custody. However, this legal knowledge is not always practically helpful when a child is refusing to spend time with a parent. It may be helpful to consider custody modifications and determine the root of a child’s refusal.
Navigating a Divorce and Protecting Your Children
Contact Stange Law Firm when you need a skilled divorce attorney.
